When Carole and I started this journey of living with cancer some 18 months ago, we decided to start along with it a blessing journal to remind us of God’s presence in our time of need. Only after a few months we had already filled one and one half journals of God’s blessings. We slowed down and wasn’t very good on keeping up of the journal but we kept saying, “We need to write this down.” Story after story could be told of God’s goodness during this time. So God Blessed us from the very beginning of this journey to the very end.

As you recall we had a very busy month in July. Finally the last of Carole’s side of the family had left. I had a desire to go camping one more time before the boys had to go to public school. Our lives were changing. I kept on checking of camp sites and there were none to be found. Finally one opened up at Priest Lake, our most favorite spot. Carole gave the go ahead to book but at first was hesitant to go. After a few days, she told me that she is glad to be going. She said, I can be sick and home or at Priest Lake. During this time Carole’s cough was getting worse and she was getting weaker and weaker. She finally broke down and got a doctor’s order for O2.

Aug.

So the beginning of August started off with a camping trip to Priest Lake. Not only did I have to load the trailer with the usual stuff but this time I had to take 6 large bottles of O2 to help her breath better at night. While driving up there Carole texted a friend from work who has a cabin on the lake, next to the park. She found out the our friend was up there all week and said to stop by any time, in which we did. What timing, what a blessing. While we were up there I wanted to do something special with the kids. I wanted to rent a ski boat. I ended up calling one place that was closes to the park and all they had was a small 15 horse power fishing boat. Yeah…That’s going to work.. Not! So much for tubing and skiing. The next morning while I was walking Lady, our lab, and praying. I decided to stop by the rangers station and look for more brochures for boat rentals. There was a brochure from a place in Coolin. I called and the lady said I have a boat that was returned a day early. It’s yours if you want it. I said yes and I went back to the trailer and surprised my kids with the news. We had an awesome day at the lake with the boat. Even Carole got in for a little bit. I decided tubing is a great and legal way to get back at your kids. I loved making them fly off the tube. After I returned the boat, I was talking to the owners and the guy said that he is completely booked up for the next few weeks. Once again, God’s blessings.

We had a wonderful time up at Priest Lake and wished that we could have stayed there longer. While back at home, Carole’s cough is still getting worse. Finally, I had enough and after I got off of work on a Friday night, I decided that we needed to go to ER. But this wasn’t easy because Carole was being stubborn and wanted to wait till Monday to see Dr. Nickles. So what’s the solution, you call Jaylynne at work. She is a friend who worked with Carole in the CCU unit and Sacred Heart. Jaylynne threatened Carole that she will personally come there to our house and drag her out of bed if she didn’t come in. Finally Carole gave in and we went to ER.

While in ER, they started breathing treatments and found out that Carole was very de-hydrated. Of course they admitted her. All along this process Jaylynne was right at our side. While in ER Carole and Jaylnne was wondering if Char, their friend who is a lung doctor, was working. They found out that she was working this weekend and called her. Char only works in house and in the hospital and you can only see her when you are there. Once again, timing, see God’s presence in taking care of my wife. Between Char and Dr. Nickles and 13 days in the hospital, Carole’s cough was almost gone, but she still couldn’t speak. She could only whisper. During one of the doctor’s visit from Dr. Nickles, while Carole was in the hospital, I asked her a very pointed question, “How long does Carole have?” Her response was a few weeks to a few months. We were shocked, we thought we had more time. We didn’t realize the Carole was that sick and that when Carole goes home that she will be on Hospice. We did work it out with the insurance that if Carole was strong enough for another round of chemo that they would allow her to take it being under Hospice. They usually don’t do that. Another Praise. After 13 days, we were free from the hospital and she was finally home, and Hospice care started.

In the hospital, Carole was on a breathing treatment very 3 to 4 hours. That did not change when she came home. Needlessly not a lot of sleep for me. Over the Labor day weekend, Richard, her brother flew up. During this time, we started to do the arrangements for Carole’s memorial service. Richard just happened to be a funeral arranger. Of course, we were still thinking months and not weeks. We accomplished the slide show that was shown before the service. You can see the slide show on www.mem.com. Just type in Carole Wright and it will take you to it. Carole worked diligently through all the pictures albums and we pulled it off in one evening. On Saturday, both Richard and I noticed that Carole’s thinking had changed. Something was different about here. On Sunday Richard left for Sacramento and Carole ended up sleeping a lot that day. Through the week I saw Carole just getting more and more tired and weak. On Wednesday, Pastor Dan came out and we started planning the memorial service. Or should I say. Dan and Carole. I didn’t say much. She shared exactly what she wanted and had songs already picked out. She wanted to make it and easy as possible for me during this time. I was amazed that she was talking that much, or should I say whisper that much. Where did she get that strength to do this? After Dan left she went back to sleep and had a very long nap. On Thursday, things changed again. Carole was complaining about a pain that she was having on her right side. We knew that it was the liver. For Carole to complain, I knew that she was in a lot of pain. We knew that the cancer is now in the liver and it was confirmed while in the hospital. After calling the hospice, we increased the pain pump and Carole fell asleep for a couple of hours. After her long nap, she woke up and was talking (whispering), but kept on repeating herself. She was very confused at times. On Friday, Carole did it again. Dr Nickles came out for a house call and Carole was actually talking (whispering) to the Dr. After the Dr. left, hospice showed up to examine Carole and to restock her meds. As the hospice nurse was leaving, I asked her how long does Carole have left. She said a few days. I could not believe it. She also said that Carole looks very comfortable and in a sense that was a miracle because of the cancer that she has. Again, a praise. A couple of cute little things happened during this time. Friday night, Jaylynne and Brenda were over, they were eating a cheese cake and Carole asked if she can have one too…..Later when I came back from Walmart, Jaylynne told me that she had a piece. I told her that Carole doesn’t like cheese cake. I guess she just wanted to be apart of the eating with her friends. Saturday, my head was next the Carole’s head. I told her and I loved her, and out of the blue, she said I love you too and gave me a kiss. That night, all the family was over and all the adults were in our bedroom just setting around for hours and telling stories. At this time, Carole was in and out of consciousness. During one of the stories from Brannon, my dad interrupted him, and from the mouth of Carole we hear, “and go on”. She was listening!!!

I really don’t want to go into details in what happened on Sunday. I will tell you that the morning was very beautiful. The sky had no clouds. It was the perfect Lord’s day. Carole breathing at this point was very labored. After the kids left for church, I whispered in her ear that she is almost home. Roxanne came over and my parents showed up as Carole was breathing her last breaths. We said our farewells for now and Carole passed away at 11:30 am. (Sept. 12).

In the 19 years of knowing her, the longest that we have been apart was 4 days and that only happened once. One other time it was three days. She has been my lovely wife, my lover, and my best friend. Do I miss her? Yes, I do! But I know that I will see her one day again. I told Carole a few months ago that in Heaven her wait for me and the kids will only seem like a moment, but for us to see her will feel like an eternity. Through all of this, God has been good. We have seen God at work, we have felt His presence, and His comfort. We have felt the many prayers that were made in our behalf. Thank you so much for your many prayer, your special gifts, your phone calls, and for your friendship. They are so greatly appreciated. I think one of the songs that was sung at the service was meant to me from Carole and I thought I would include it now:

"Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to you

And you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth.

This is my prayer

Lord, I see now for one the battle is done, she is with you, she has fought the good fight and I realize that for me the battle just begun. I pray that as I lay her body to rest that I continue to be faithful to the task that you have given me. Blessed be your Name. Amen

RC Wright

Is July over already? What a month!!

Wow! Is July over already? What a busy but great month we have had! We had a month of family visiting which meant fun, games and lots of food! My brother and his family came the first week of July and it was the first time we saw our niece since birth. Elizabeth is a little dolly and we had a great time having them here! My Aunt flew in that Friday and stayed for 10 days so she overlapped with my brother's family (she had never met Elizabeth) and then at the end of her stay overlapped with my sister's family. Phew! Busy, busy, busy but loads of fun. We taught everyone our new favorite game "Farkle" so that was quite a hit! 70+ pix are on facebook but I included a few here for you to enjoy.

Richard (my brother), Aunt Marlene

Angela (Richard's wife)

Elizabeth (18 months), Ben (age 14), Uncle Richard, Lil Rc (almost 16)

Katelyn (age 12)

Cousins Katelyn

Krystal (age 8), Kayla (age 4)

Sisters Cathy and Carole

Cancer/Chemo updates: In the middle of my family visiting I had to have a CT of the abdomen and chest and a few days later we got the results. HUGE PRAISE that all cancer sites were stable or better so that was huge! This is the first time since starting chemo that I will be on a chemo cocktail longer than 3 months--usually that scans show spread so we have to switch treatment. Not so this time! We really like this regimen, with only going to see the doctor every three weeks. But, it couldn't be all good news....like the doctor said, I'm usually a mixed bag of news. My left lower lung was collapsed on the scan--there was fluid around the lung.....hmmm might explain my shortness of breath! And there is some concern with my liver--not sure if it is cancer spread or just a reaction from chemo but it is early, whatever it is, so we are going to sit on it and not worry about it right now. You know, there just comes a point where there is so much stuff going on that you have to choose what to be concerned about, and what to let go...for now, anyway. The next week I went and had a thoracentesis (they numbed my back and put in a needle and drained the fluid) and they took off a liter! Unfortunately I had no change in symptoms which was quite disheartening. Usually people have immediate relief, but not me. Surprising? No....because its me--yikes! So this last Monday I had an x-ray before chemo and it showed that the fluid is back and the lower lung is collapsed again. The doctor came and spoke with me during chemo and confirmed the fluid they removed is malignant--again, no big surprise BUT it might mean a change in chemo regimen...not sure yet--and that is an UGH! The doctor isn't in a hurry for me to have the lung drained again so I am just monitoring my shortness of breath and if it gets worse we'll have to do something. Unfortunately the day after IV chemo I got up and couldn't walk! The bottom of my feet were red and soooo sore! This is a side effect of the pill chemo but I finished that the Saturday before! So after two days of soaking in cold water, basking in bag balm, and barely walking, and LOTS OF PRAYERS, they are better! JR was convinced they were blistering but nothing ever came to fruition....no cracking or peeling, etc.... But yikes, how scary to not be able to walk! Yet another complication of the lovely chemo. And then there's the hair issue, or lack thereof. Starting July 4th I was going without a wig or hat and had about 2 inches of curly hair (as pictured to the left top of this blog). All my family got to witness the curly hair but unfortunately chemo took it away again so we're back to cute caps (my sister and I found a new style for me--see pix). Please continue to pray for our spirits-- it is quite demoralizing to have complication after complication and it beckons the question "how much suffering can one person take?" Not sure if I want to know the answer to that question.

But to end on a BRIGHT note, I have to share that lil RC turned 16 on the 22nd and he got his driver's license! Yahoo! We are so excited and this is a huge blessing to our family. What a wonderful young man he is becoming. Can you tell I'm a proud Mama? One of the things he wanted for his birthday was a purity ring. He has made a covenant before God and us that he will remain abstinent til marriage, and the ring is a symbol of that covenant. On his wedding day he will present that to his wife (and it can be made into his wedding set) as the culmination of his promise before God. Are we proud of him? You bet! Love you son!

Summer Family Fun

Summer is here (FINALLY) and the fun has begun! Last week we spent four nights at Priest Lake with some friends from church and had an incredibly AWESOME time! When we left on Monday it was pouring rain but when we arrived at the Indian Creek campground it was just cloudy. We have had to set up camp in the rain before and it isn't fun so we were thankful for a break in the weather. Our two boys and their two friends slept in a tent and on Wednesday night there was a thunder storm that literally cracked right overhead! And the boys still slept in the tent! Other than that, the weather was great! The kids were in the lake on two different days and I was so happy to sit in the sun and put my feet in the water! We played lots of games and my new favorite game is Farkle...so if you come visit, you can expect to be playing with us! We also had campfires every night....with smores of course (but not every night!). What a relaxing, fun, awesome time!

We got home in time for some laundry, actually a LOT of laundry, and then the kids left today for Youth camp through our church. Now that Kate is entering 7th grade, it is her first year going with her brothers and she is excited! They will be gone til Friday! Wow! No kids in the house...what will we do? Well, today I had IV chemo so my plan is to rest...but we'll see. July is a busy month for us. On the 4th we host a big party since we can shoot fireworks at our house. We have a great view too and can enjoy the fireworks from Medical Lake as well as neighboring cities. It's always fun to BBQ with family and friends! Then my brother and his family arrive on the 6th. We haven't seen our niece since she was born so we are so excited to spend time with her (and her mom and dad too of course!). That Friday my Aunt arrives from Arizona and will spend 10 days with us. She hasn't been here for 6 years and we are looking to her visit. My brother will overlap a day or two so my Aunt will be able to see them too. Then my sister and her family arrive a few days before my Aunt leaves and they will be here for a week. Phew! In between that, the boys are going away for a weekend to serve at a Jr church camp doing music AND they are also helping with music during a week long day camp. Can you say busy busy busy? We are so excited to have such precious time with family! We are thankful our home has enough room to host everyone. We will set up our above ground pool so the kids will have outdoor activities. And if I need to take a nap, I'll disappear for a little while into my room :-)

Today I had a doctor's appointment and IV chemo. My skin is looking much better so that is a praise! My cough, however, is not going away and that is a concern...it has waxed and waned and we don't know why. The doctor offered me home oxygen for night time use but I'm not ready for that yet. So I continue to take pain medicine during the day to control the cough when it gets bad. And my voice remains hoarse from the time I get up til the time I go to bed--ugh! I love it when the kids say I am "yelling"...how can you yell when you sound like Minnie Mouse? Anyway, the doctor scheduled me for a CT scan of the abdomen/chest on July 12th and we are PRAYING things are stable or better. If that's the case, we can stay on this regimen of chemo--which we LOVE as we only go to the doctor once every three weeks instead of weekly. We did find out that if we have to change chemo to the medicine that is coming out of study, we may have to travel to Couer 'd Alene, Idaho for it which is about 45 minutes to an hour away. We DON'T want to have to do this. In the meantime, she is increasing the dose of my pill chemo since I am tolerating it so well. So thanks for your continued prayers my friends! We did find out though that we have to cancel our Yellowstone trip. The 6000 foot elevation will not be good with my cough and breathing. So yet again the burden of this cancer has hit our family. JR is now trying to find a camping spot closer to home that might be open. JR asked the doctor today about a disabled parking permit--ugh....wasn't too happy about that one BUT it might give us more options camping wise because there are disabled spots at every campground. So, we'll see what happens.

As we continue to live one day at a time we continue to see God's hand in our lives every day. As mentioned earlier, our camping trip was awesome, weather was great, all the kids got a long well, we had safety in our journey...many blessings. We've also seen God at work in Jr's life. My dear, sweet, husband, has been in stress overload--just feeling like his plate is full and at any moment it will tip over. Prior to our camping trip we found out our slide on our trailer wasn't working. And to make a long story short, Jr worked and worked and replaced the motor, then found there were electrical issues and the more he got into it, the more he realized was wrong. It was overwhelming, and despite a friend working on it for 3 hours, we still have to take it into the shop. The next day, JR went to work and wasn't happy to find out he had to float to another floor. But, as he soon found out, God was at work. There is someone at work whose wife recently battled cancer and JR was able to talk to this co-worker. It was a relief for him to talk to someone who UNDERSTANDS and who felt just like he does and he shared what he did to help get through the difficult times. JR said he felt like a burden had been lifted off his shoulders just to talk to someone who understood. That was the biggest blessing of all! So we continue to take one day at a time and thank God for His many blessings!

Things are a-changin' in our family....

Burdens.....we all have them in one form or another. In years past my main burden was one of balance--family, homeschooling, work, housework, etc... How to get everything done in so little time? I think every working mom (whether at home or outside the home) feels that at one time or another--or maybe ALL the time, who knows? Burdens come in all shapes and sizes--maybe a job loss, financial issues, family drama, etc... It wasn't until recently that I realized that cancer is a burden. Burden is defined as "a source of great worry or stress: weight. Something that is carried. " Cancer fits that definition, it is not only a burden on me, but on all those closest to me: my hubby, my three dear children, my brother and his family, my sister and her family, my extended family-aunts/uncles/cousins, and friends. Until a few weeks ago I think I had a faulty perspective on this. I thought I was the burden....not the cancer. I found myself apologizing at different times to different people, especially those close to me that are having such a hard time dealing with this. But this is a burden I'm carrying too. And its not an easy burden by any means but it affects me just as it does others but in a different way. How freeing to realize its not "me"....and I've stopped apologizing for this burden that we are all dealing with.

So although I've stopped apologizing, I've been struggling with something else....and that is giving my family and their future over to the Lord. During the "grieving" process at initial diagnosis, all the thoughts of future things run through your mind--graduations, college, careers, weddings, grandchildren, etc... Slowly the Lord has shown me that my family is in His hands and that they will be taken care of. So slowly I've been able to come to grips with the fact that I may not be here to see those milestones and I've changed the sadness from that into joy by writing for my kids. Whether its this blog, or individual journals for the kids, or a story of my life/upbringing--advice will still be given (and probably not heeded :-) but my voice will still be with them. The one thing regarding their future that I could not give up not matter how much I prayed was their schooling. My dear husband, convinced he could be superman and "do it all"--homeschool, full time work, being a single parent (not to mention he takes blood pressure medicine and has a family history of heart disease)....just tore my heart and weighed heavily on my mind. JR has been committed to homeschooling since our children were very young. We have never been opposed to public, private or whatever each family is convicted by God to do. We had our boys in school briefly in second grade and didn't have a good experience so we continued to homeschool and thankfully the Lord has blessed us with our children excelling. Well, despite my stage IV diagnosis, JR was convinced he could continue to keep the kids at home. I have found myself more tired, and with the life time need for chemo, I know my energy level is lagging and that I haven't been able to be there for the kids and their schooling as I normally am. Jr's answer was for him to help them more but he is so tired and worn out too. And as many of you know, kids are kids despite parents being tired or not feeling well and tempers can flare and difficulties arise. Can one parent really "do it all?" And what's best for the kids?

So JR and I had many, many, many conversations til 3 a.m. and he has always been adamant that he can do it.....til the last few weeks. I'm not sure if it was his good friend from Virginia who, when visiting, was kind of like "hey, this is a no brainer--you have prepared your kids, they will do fine in public school" or the fact that if I wasn't here, he wouldn't have a lot of outside homeschooling support BUT he finally decided to talk to the kids about it. So one morning he was talking with the boys and lo and behold we found out some things we didn't know. Lil RC admitted to having some very difficult months because of my coughing. Here I thought I was doing great, getting myself downstairs to do school with them, hacking my brains out all the while...but doing school nonetheless...and lil RC admitted it really stressed him out--the cancer became real and he just wanted to get out of the house! YIKES! When we discussed public school, they mentioned going to Reardan...not our local Medical Lake High school. This was an option we hadn't thought of--and it was a GREAT option. It is a small local school about 20 minutes away. One of the elder's from our church teaches there and his boys are bandmates with our boys so there is a wonderful support system already there for our boys. Their family is very dear to us and we are all going camping together in a few weeks too :-) We really saw all of this as Divine intervention.

So as a family we started to pray and asked many others to pray too. Jr took the lead and called the counselor at Reardan and experienced nothing but kindness. Long story short, the boys were able to shadow one of their friends one day, see how the school day ran, meet teachers and kids and they had a wonderful day. Once the coaches saw the size of our boys, well, lets just say there was excitement! Today the boys tested. This was the daunting part, for the boys and for Dad and Mom too. The state of Washington requires homeschoolers to administer standardized testing yearly, which we do, but this test was a bit different--it measured grade level, IQ, and any learning disabilities. And they did EXTREMELY well! I knew it went well when the tester told me what a great job I had done schooling them! The boys were so thrilled--they will enter Reardan as sophomores in the Fall!

Also, because its a small school, kids that want to play sports can be on a team. And Ben wants to play football. We found out today that he will have to play junior varsity for a year as a sort of penalty for not going to our local school. That isn't a big deal to us though because he needs to learn the game (and may need to eat some humble pie as well but don't tell him I said that :-) He got his uniform today and it took him quite awhile to get everything on with all the pads and laces but he did it! We had a difficult time finding size 15 cleats (he is 14 and 6ft 3 1/2) and the school secretary was so kind to find them and they were only $30!! Nike's 60% off--wow! We have really seen God's hand and things fall into place. Isn't it amazing when that happens?

So now we just need to continue to pray for my dear hubby. Things are a-changin' in our home and it is very hard for him. We have been spoiled going camping mid-week, skiing mid-week and with the boys in school all that will change. Jr knew that as the boys got older things would change but he was thinking it would be a few more years, not NOW! So please continue to pray, especially for my hubby as our family experiences changes.

And just a quick update on chemo before I close. I had my second dose of IV chemo on Tuesday and since I took it alone (the pill chemo is 7 days on, 7 days off and I am off this week) I am feeling pretty good--just some fatigue. The doctor visit went well, she thinks my cough is better and my skin looks better--small improvements but improvements nonetheless! We will continue this regimen til July and do another scan. Please pray that this regimen works--its so nice to go just once every three weeks to the office instead of weekly!

Ah, Vacation....then back to the real world!

Our 8 day vacation to the Oregon Coast from April 27th to May 5th went waaaaay too quickly! We left on the 27th and spent the night in Portland and visited with Jr's sister and her husband. We had a great visit with them and enjoyed a great pizza dinner at a really neat restaurant. We took a brief tour of old town Portland with its stately mansions and magnificent blooming gardens before heading back to have yummy ice cream and visit some more!

The next day we drove to Honeyman State Park and found the park to be full of ATV's as it sits right on the sand dunes near the beach. On Thursday we drove about 45 minutes away to rent ATV's to go riding on the beach. Originally, just the boys were going to do this but I thought it would be great to do this as a family. Little did I know you had to cross 12 HUGE sand dunes to get to the beach....I thought it would be a leisurely ride over flat terrain to the beach and back. NOT!!! So we each have our own ATV and got safety instructions and the "how-to ride" speech--all the men in our family had already ridden ATV's, so it was Kate and myself that were the new comers. And then we were off. We had to cross the street and go up a small hill to get to the sand dunes. Kate and I were in the back of the pack and we pass inmates working and a correctional officer and the next thing I know Katie is almost off the side of the hill! Her tire was off and she was trying to get off before the bike tumbled over the edge....NOT GOOD! JR was way ahead with the boys and I'm trying to get off my bike to help and here comes the correctional officer to our rescue! Thankfully Kate wasn't hurt, the bike didn't tumble over the edge, and after some more "how-to ride" instructions we were off. And now it was my turn for "fun." Taking one look at these HUGE sand dunes I was thinking to myself that there was NO WAY I could do it! So the boys showed me how to get to the top and hit the throttle and just let the bike ease over the edge and down the other side, like a roller coaster--UGH! So after doing that a few times and nearly having a heart attack, my dear hubby took pity on me and found easier routes. On one of these routes lil RC was guiding me around a bend and I took it too sharp and yes, you guessed it, I toppled over. I ended up under the bike, the bike was on its side and I was holding it up with my legs screaming my lungs out for my boys (thank heavens we had helmets on cause I hit my head pretty good but I was thankful we were in sand and I could just melt into it!). They of course came and got the bike off and helped me up and NO WAY was I going to get back on but I did (after some time)--after all, we weren't to the beach yet! The ride on the beach was great but then I had to brave the 12 HUGE sand dunes again. Let's just say I won't be ATV'ing any time soon. But my kids loved it....and Katie is a daredevil! Once she got used to the bike she was following the boys around! Kate and I have matching bruises from our bike injuries though (I even took pix-ha!).

Once we had ATV'd we felt that we had exhausted all we could do at that state park so we decided the next day that we would travel an hour down the Pacific Coast Highway to Beverly Beach which was right on the ocean. The drive was gorgeous! The campground was perfect and my cousin, Althea, who lives in Portland was able to join us. She hadn't seen Kate since Kate was born so that was great fun catching up. She's a nurse so of course we had tons to chat about! We found a historic lighthouse that is still in use and we were able to tour it and climb the staircase to the top. The next day we returned at low tide to go tide pooling. Kate had just finished learning about tide pools in science and was so excited to see the starfish and mussels and everything else.

Althea left on Sunday and we decided to go into the nearest town for dinner and what did we find but a Sizzler. Okay, many of you reading may not think this is a big deal but JR and I had our wedding rehearsal at a Sizzler and we hadn't seen one in years! Not only that, but my brother and his friends (when younger) were kicked out of Sizzler for eating too much shrimp on their "all you can eat" shrimp nites! Hysterical! And here we were with our 2 big boys and guess what, I think Ben ate 8 baskets of shrimp! Not sure if he tied my brother's record but he loved in nonetheless. We just love Sizzler!

Monday was our last day on the coast and we went to the Newport Aquarium. Later that afternoon we drove to Depoe Bay and did some window shopping right on the coast line. It was beautiful and fun and we didn't even buy anything! The men in our group endured us girls as we went from shop to shop oohing and aahing!

On Tuesday we left and drove from the coast to McMinnville to the Evergreen Air and Space Museum. This was a great adventure! The Spruce Goose is housed there and there is room for the Space Shuttle when it is retired! They even were building a water slide with a huge plane on top that is part of the attraction and they had just hoisted the plane on top of the slide 2 days before we arrived! Wow! We loved the history touring the Air museum and then later the Space Museum. We spent about 4 hours there but we could have been there all day! They even have Oregon's largest IMAX theatre but we didn't have time to enjoy that. That night we spent camping outside of Portland and had about a 6 hour drive home the next day.

We were so thankful for safety in travels. Driving with a 30 foot travel trailer is daunting especially in bad weather. The worst weather we hit was the last day coming home but God protected us and we made it safely. We were thankful for mostly wonderful weather during our trip. It would rain at night but we would have gorgeous days! In fact, the day we went ATV'ing the weather was questionable but we didn't get hit with even one rain drop! What a praise! We were especially thankful for the time spent together. We love to be in each other's company and we had plenty of time to talk, play games and just have fun. Again, as recorded in an earlier post, we are thankful to so many of you who made this trip possible for us--THANK YOU!

My energy level was high the entire trip and I don't think I ever even took a nap! Our schedule was booked and I was the energizer bunny. That is, til we got home. Then fatigue hit and I was beat for a few days but rebounded for Mother's day and just in time to get hit with more chemo the next day. Monday the 10th began my new chemo regimen: Ixempra given IV every 3 weeks and Xeloda (pill chemo) taken orally for 7 days then off 7 days then repeat the cycle. Well I started both drugs the same day and within 2 days I was down for the count. As many of you know I have done exceptionally well through chemo and have NEVER been in bed for a whole day--well, with the new drugs I was out for 2 1/2 days. By Thursday of that week, Kate had a piano recital and she had laid out my clothes and wig and by golly I got up and went and made it--barely! Thankfully by the weekend I was better. I'm not sure if it was the combo of doing both or if it was the effects of just one of them....guess we'll see. I was not able to get the experimental "parp inhibitors" that I mentioned in the last post--those won't be available til July. We will use these drugs til July and pray they kick the cancer so I won't need the parps. Just this last Thursday I had a 10 day follow up with the doctor and she felt that my cough was better....I went from sleeping just 2 hours at a time to having 5-6 hours at night. We tried EVERY treatment known to man including liquid morphine but nothing worked more than 2 hours except for lortab (pain pills). Then it ended up that I was taking more pain pills for this stupid cough than for my total hip replacement 3 years ago!! When we were camping I didn't care---I just wanted to mask the cough and have a good time but when we got home and found the morphine liquid didn't even work it was a bit disconcerting especially because I am so winded--I can't even walk around Walmart or Costco! Well, 10 days after chemo my doctor is hopeful that the chemo is starting to kick the cough! Now we need it to kick the skin cancer too--unfortunately the skin cancer has spread across my chest. It remains a leathery red rash. It is not painful or itchy, thankfully, but it is annoying. The visible sign of these chemos working will be the skin cancer going away. My doctor has every confidence that chemo will hit it--its just finding the right cocktail that will do it! So please continue to pray with us that my current chemo regimen is the right cocktail!

My brother lives outside of Sacramento, California and he flew up last Sunday to see us and left early Wednesday morning. As I have said before, this cancer journey is so much harder on my family than it is for me....and its hard for my dear brother with whom I share a special bond. He is so good for my kids and is such a funny guy that we just laugh and play games when he is here....and of course we EAT EAT EAT (you're lovin those extra 5 lbs aren't ya bro?). There were 2 separate occasions where we spent time alone and were able to talk heart to heart. He is in such a good place in his life now with a loving wife, beautiful 17 month old daughter, great job---I am sooo proud of him and the man he has become. I'm thankful for the opportunity to be able to verbalize that to him. Don't take times with loved ones for granted....don't leave things unsaid....make the most of every opportunity. My brother, by profession, is a funeral arranger and because I am a realist and want to do as much as I can to alleviate burdens from my family, started talking to my brother about arrangements. He could put his professional hat on, and I am able to do that too (for the most part) and I'm thankful for that time too. I liken those difficult discussions to buying life insurance....you think about the hard things and plan for them in the hopes that they are years off. By no means have I given up or stopped fighting! We are in this for the long haul!

Before I close I wanted to share a special moment I had with my Katie girl. As mentioned in earlier posts I was very worried about how this will impact my only daughter. One day when we got back from our vacation she was crying. I called her into my room and she said "Mom, I'm so overwhelmed---school, watering my garden, sweeping/mopping,etc..." I helped her prioritize and then the day before my brother arrived, Kate and I were making 8x my famous chocolate chip cookie recipe and we had time to talk. I talked to her about what had happened the day she cried and I told her that God is preparing her for something special in her future. I told her there are many people who don't know how to prioritize and she is learning those skills at a young age. In fact, I gave her a scenario from nursing: I get out of report and there are 5 people all wanting my attention- one can't breathe, one is in excruciating pain, one wants to talk to me, etc... She was able to prioritize EXACTLY who should be seen first! She then said "Mom, you know, my friends have no worries--they go to school and go to the mall and that's it." I told her that it isn't fair that she has to go through this BUT then I realized how much my life paralleled hers: at Katie's age I had hip surgery, was in a wheel chair for 6 months and when I was able to walk again I babysat my infant sister and did the housework and helped with cooking as my mom worked. Yes, it was for a different reason--my mom worked....but I grew up quick. I shared that with Kate. She knows I never had much of a relationship with my mom having grown up in an abusive home and we talked about that but I told her that God brought people into my life just when I needed them: my grandma, my Aunt Marlene, my Aunt Charlene and at different churches we were at there were plenty of older ladies to show me how to be a better wife and mother. I told her it will be like that for her too. Then she turned to me with her child-like faith and said "Mom, I just know God is going to heal you." My first thought was "uh-oh, she doesn't get it...she hasn't heard all we have been saying." So I said "but Kate, what happens if God doesn't heal me now, but waits til I get to heaven?" And she said without hesitation, "well, Mom, heaven is a beautiful place!" She went on to tell me how they had been talking about heaven at church and she said she wanted to know more! I had to just stop and remember that child-like faith! So often its easy to get caught up in the doctor visits, the medicine, the skin that's not looking well, and lose focus. And then there's the reminder of the child-like faith. Thank you Lord for my Katie girl!

Wow! What a week!

I know that many of you are on edge, having been faithfully praying for us all week, wondering what all the tests/procedures showed. So here goes....

First I want to start with a blessing! On Sunday, the dear Elders at our church gathered our family and prayed for us. What a blessing it was for us to see the Godly men of our church, serious in their calling, earnestly praying for ALL of us. How thankful JR and I are that they include our children too and pray for them specifically. This is NOT just about me, or JR, but our kids too. There is no "magic" in their prayer but we explained it to our kids this way: when we are weak and tired in our journey, it is a blessing to have the Godly leaders of the church surround us in prayer. We cannot express to you in words what a blessing this was to our family and what a GREAT way to start a difficult week.

On Monday I had a full body PET scan. Other than not being able to eat til its over, its not a big deal. They inject me with a sugar isotope, I wait an hour for it to circulate throughout my body (and my IPOD comes in handy) and then they do a 30 minute scan. Because I struggle with a harsh cough, I was worried about being supine (flat) for 30 minutes but I didn't cough once! Sure didn't want them to have to start the scan again! That afternoon my dear friend, Jaylynne, and her boys came over and we had a great time talking about tons of things...and just a little about cancer. She has been such a blessing to me and she helped me come up with questions for the radiation and oncology doctor, along with lots of chemo drug options. Thanks Jaylynne!

Tuesday was a busy day. We had an appointment with the radiation Doctor in the morning and it was a good meeting. It was a surprise to us that the PET scan results were already back so we asked for that discussion first. The results were mixed: the chest nodes were stable or better--GREAT NEWS! But, there were 8 very small nodes that popped up near the kidneys that weren't there before. Not so good news. Between that and the fact that my skin biopsies were positive, we know that the chemo drugs I was on were not fully doing their job. Then we moved on to radiation news. Again, a praise! Radiation is an option for me for my skin spread. The chest is resilient and can handle 100 (rads or whatever its called) and most of my left chest had 50, the incision had 75---the incision is the ONLY place where the cancer did not come back. So we know it works. However, in the doctor's experience, radiation is just a temporary measure...that lasts months...then the skin cancer will come back in areas they did not irradiate. So again, mixed news.....but the blessing is that we have options!

That afternoon I had my bronchoscopy. They give some sedation and then go down my throat with a scope and look around. Praise! There was nothing glaring at the pulmonologist---no nodes or tumors. There is something in my left lower lung that wasn't on the CT scan 2 weeks ago but showed up on the PET--it could be infection, inflammation or cancer spread....the radiologist read it as inflammation. Because I had a chemo drug that causes me not to heal, no biopsies could be done but he did some brushings and they all came back NEGATIVE for infection. I remain convinced my cough is from inflammation from one of the chemo drugs--and only time will tell. The oncologist, however, is thinking that it is spread: lympangetic spread....

And that brings us to our oncology appointment on Thursday. JR and I went in with questions in hand and went over all the scans and reports and chemo drug options. She is looking at trying to get me approved for PARP inhibitors--they are new drugs that have been in clinical trial for triple negative cancers like mine. They will become available next year but are available now on a case by case basis for "compassionate use." I hate those words, but that's what it is. So please pray with us that I get approved for that. The Parp would be given with gemzar (which I've never had) and carboplat (which I had with radiation the end of last year). If we are not approved or the timing doesn't line up with the start of chemo I will start Ixempra and Xeloda. Ixempra is given intravenously just once every three weeks and Xeloda is a pill chemo. I have heard that Xeloda is expensive so we are praying that insurance covers it. There have been some women on the breast cancer forums that have used this combo and found it very effective....for a certain time frame....but when it comes back, the cancer is "super-charged." Which then makes it resistant to other drugs. Hmmmmm.....what to do? PRAY!! It is a praise too that there are other chemo drug options but we are starting here....gonna get hit pretty heavy but the goal is to get rid of the beast!

Many have asked me how we are emotionally doing and I will tell you that we feel your prayers! Last week when we found out the skin biopsy results, it was hard---we want to get rid of this! Not hear that it is coming back. So we had our cry then put our nose to the grindstone and said "what next?" The PET results this week weren't wonderful, it was a mixed bag, but it could have been so much worse! So we continue to press forward, thankful for OPTIONS! We find our doctors and their staff to be such a blessing to us! We did talk to the doctor and mentioned that we know that barring divine intervention, this isn't going to end well BUT we have not lost hope. She said that we were all on the same page then.

Next week we leave for a trip to the Oregon coast for 8 days. The doctor was fine with me leaving at this time and we will schedule chemo the Monday (May 10th) after we return from our trip....unless my my cough gets worse then I can come back sooner for treatment. We are praying for some much needed rest and relaxation. The weather may not be too wonderful but we always have a good time as a family hanging out in the trailer and playing games.

So once again we wish to thank you for your love, positive thoughts and prayers. We so appreciate you traveling our journey with us! I'm reminded of Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity." I heard a sermon once that talked about the fact that this person literally gets under your load with you and carries it with you. We KNOW that the reason that we continue to take one day at a time and feel God's peace is BECAUSE of your prayers....you are carrying our load with us....and we are forever grateful.

Update from yesterday's blog

The oncologist called this morning and the biopsies are back already--and they are both POSITIVE! This is not the news that we hoped for and it is not good news. The 2 chemo drugs I was taking obviously did not help if skin cancer came back while I was in the midst of treatment. So now we need to move onto another set of drugs and pray that it helps. I did have skin cancer with my original diagnosis and the first chemo I had did work--it got rid of it. But those drugs were extremely toxic and you can only have so much of them--there is a lifetime dose.

The oncologist also talked to me about my cough and is proceeding with referring me to a pulmonologist to make sure there isn't cancer lurking about in my airways--if there is, it can be irradiated. But I am convinced it is a side effect of the chemo. Please pray with us that it is just a side effect.

The PET scan (full body scan) is still scheduled for Monday and we are continuing to pray that there is no progression of cancer anywhere else.

Thanks dear family and friends for all your prayers, positive thoughts and love for us! I would ask that today especially you would pray for my dear hubby and kids especially. As I spoke with my aunt a little bit ago, she reminded me that I FEEL GOOD...and that is such a great blessing! The situation could be so much worse and we are forever grateful to see God's hand in our lives despite our circumstances.

SAHM I am

For the bloggers, texters and techie's among us, SAHM will be identified quickly. BUT, for those of us that aren't quite astute (like myself), it took a long time to figure out what SAHM meant (there's just too many acronyms aren't there?). It stands for Stay At Home Mom.....and since resigning my position at Sacred Heart two weeks ago, I am officially a SAHM. As many of you know (or have read in past posts), this was the hardest part of the stage IV diagnosis for me...needing to resign my position at the hospital. I didn't realize how much of a ministry it was, and how much a part of me it was, until I couldn't do it any more. I held out hope that I could do something at the hospital just a few shifts a month but my dear hubby reminded me that I need to be home and do everything possible to stay healthy and FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT this cancer. After all, I have a full time job homeschooling the kids--would that be HSM? (Home School Mom)? I don't know...and I certainly don't want to add to the list of thousands of acronyms! YIKES! So instead of looking at my change in status as a job loss, I'm choosing to look at it as a new chapter in our journey. And if I were to be totally honest with myself, I don't have the energy to go back to work, even for a few shifts a month---but I don't want to be that honest so we'll move on!

I mentioned in my last post that we were going to go camping over Spring break and camping we went! Instead of heading into Idaho (where it was going to be cold) we headed to Steamboat Rock which is outside of Coulee Dam here in Washington. We had a wonderful time and I enjoyed sitting outside in the sun reading, and when the clouds covered the sun, I moved into the trailer and sat on the couch and read--lazy, lazy days! The boys invited a friend from church to come along and the boys had fun hiking up a trail to the top of Steamboat rock several times. Katie wasn't with us. She was invited to go with some friends from church to Leavenworth which is a German town here in Washington. Two mom's went with their girls and Katie was invited and had a great time! She has never been away from us, on her own, for more than a night and she was gone for 4 nights! We thought it was going to be 5 nights when we got a call saying they were snowed in! It had snowed overnight and the ladies had difficulty getting their cars up a hill to get on the road! But all worked out and Katie came home as scheduled. It was such a blessing to us that Katie got some time away to just have fun and be with friends and enjoy herself. Everyone had a great Spring break!

The countdown to Katie's 12th birthday has been going on since before Christmas and when she got home from Leavenworth, we were in a flurry to get party supplies! Katie and I had a great day hitting many stores and we found everything we needed in about a 4 to 5 hour period--it was tiring but great fun! The boys helped design a treasure hunt throughout the house for the girls. It worked out great except Ben used north, south, east, west as clues for 6th grade girls and I didn't think that was going to go over too well so we adjusted that. We came up with 14 riddles that had to be solved to find the next "clue" and at the end of running around the upstairs and downstairs they had to put a puzzle together to find their "treasure." It was great fun! 8 girls came to the party and 7, including Kate, spent the night. They were great! They wanted to build a tent with blankets and chairs but Dad surprised them with a REAL tent--a 6 man tent that he set up in the school room downstairs. It slept 7 girls just fine! There's a ton of pix on FB--Enjoy! About 2:30am I told the girls they needed to quiet down and all but 2 went to sleep right away....but all did get SOME sleep! Katie spent so much time and energy planning the party that when everyone left it was almost a let down-- it probably didn't help that she was exhausted! But a great time was had by all! Happy 12th Birthday to my girlie girl!

And now to some updates with my treatment. In my last post I mentioned a cough that I had for four weeks. Well, its turned into an 8 week cough--ugh! A few weeks ago we took a chest xray to make sure it wasn't pneumonia and the xray was negative so they put me on a week long steroid pack to see if would make a difference. The first few days helped but then I was right back to my hacking cough. The next week we took a CT of the chest to make sure there wasn't something more serious and it showed "NO PROGRESSION OF CANCER." That is a praise! It did show some fibrosis (scarring) which was from radiation. The radiation doctor reviewed the CT scan and said it was a pneumonitis (inflammation of the lung) from radiation but it was so small that I shouldn't be having such a severe cough. He decided to try high dose steroids for 6 weeks to see if it would help. Well, today is day 7 with NO CHANGE! UGH! When I went for chemo this last Monday we noticed that my cough got worse during treatment (I had both the abraxane and avastin). In fact, I saw the oncologist after the chemo and she couldn't believe how bad I sounded. Then we started thinking that 2 weeks ago, the week we went camping, when I had both drugs, that I had a similar reaction--severe coughing for about 2 days and then it leveled out. It was still bad, but not as bad as the day of chemo or the next day. The oncologist isn't sure its the avastin but I'm fairly convinced. Some women on the breast cancer forums have complained of the same thing....when treatment stopped, they were better. So I might call the radiation doctor tomorrow and talk about stopping the steroids unless he thinks they will help in the long term--I think they should have helped by now but who knows. The oncologist talked to me about going to a pulmonologist and having a bronchoscopy (where they put a scope down your throat and look at your lungs)--but I kind of poo poo'd that idea. The main reason is because my favorite pulmonologist/intensivist works only in the hospital--she doesn't have office hours (yes, my work friends, you know who :-). And until she does, I may just have to hold off, we'll see. The WORST part of the cough is the stress incontinence it causes..for the non-medical people out there, stress incontinence is peeing when coughing. My Ben was 11 lbs 8 oz and need I say any more? One of my friends said its not his fault, its the 3 kid curse....no muscle tone. My dear, practical hubby offered to buy depends but I frowned on that quite quickly--actually it was a verbal frowning! So one problem becomes two.

And if that weren't enough I've started to have some skin changes on my left chest which was the cancerous side. A rash popped up at my bra line about 4 weeks ago and I didn't think much of it....maybe from sweat....so I treated it, and treated it, and treated it with no change. I mentioned it to the nurse a week ago and we decided to try some other cream but all to no avail. When the radiation doctor called me I mentioned it to him and I asked what a skin cancer recurrence might look like and he said it usually pops up as nodules--like feeling hard rice or a pea under the skin. Well this is a rash, not nodules. When I was in the oncologists office on Monday for chemo I showed her and she thought we should continue to treat it and if not better by next week to biopsy it....just to be sure. Well, one of the gals from the breast cancer forum emailed me that her recurrence looked like mine and its better to biopsy sooner than later because it spreads fast. So I called the office Tuesday and had a biopsy today. What a blessing it is to us to have such an "A" team of doctors who actually listen and make room in their schedule when you have a concern! Of course it couldn't be a simple, quick biopsy though. Oh no-she took two biopsies and put 3 to 4 stitches in on each one! Yikes! And to make it worse, one of the chemo drugs I just finished prevents healing so I might be living with stitches for awhile! The results should be back on Friday and we are asking that you all pray specifically that it is benign! The surgeon told me that irradiated skin is very irritable - the largest rash is in the radiation field but there are two spots that are just below it and those are a concern. So we'll see what happens. I will still have the PET scan on Monday and will have results that Thursday. So we have had a month full of scans and appointments! I think I have mentioned before that we always feel that our plate is quite full and a dear friend told me that not only is our plate full, so is our salad plate and now our dessert plate! HA!

In the midst of this suffering God continually proves Himself faithful. In Bible study we are going through 2 Corinthians and a friend reminded me of chapter 5:1-2 "For we know that if the earthly tent which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For indeed in this house we groan, longing to be clothed with our dwelling from heaven...." What hope! How thankful I am that we can look beyond our circumstance to Him and what He has prepared for us! Glory to Him!

It's Spring!

Aren't you glad for Spring? I know I am! The winter doldrums are left behind and everything is blooming and warmer weather is on the horizon! Granted, Spokane had below normal snow fall this year but we sure deserved it after a record breaking year last year! Spring also means that it is wedding season and we attended the beautiful wedding of one of our boys youth leaders last weekend and will attend another one in April. As I sat next to my children (who were dressed in their finest as the pictures show), I realized that our church will probably be where they will be getting married too within the next 5 to 10 years (I know, I'm not rushing anything and there are no prospects on the horizon yet...just a mother daydreaming!). As I watched the groom escort his mother down the aisle I couldn't help but wonder if I will still be alive to be that proud Mamma on my son's arm, being escorted down the aisle, to witness the wedding of my child and to share in the joy of his day. And right then and there I determined in my heart to do all I can to continue to fight and hope and pray that God would grant me that request!

Treatment is going well and I have finished 2 cycles (2 months of the two new drugs) and on Monday will start on the last cycle before the PET scan. The scan will be scheduled for the week of April 19th and I will also see the doctor that week and pray for good news! The chemo drugs haven't been too bad but fatigue is setting in and I have found that I need to rest or my body shuts down. This was my "off" week and I was still quite tired and a little disappointed that I just didn't pop right back to my old self. I did catch the nasty cold virus going around and still have a horrendous cough that has hung on for 4 weeks and did not respond to antibiotics. When I saw the doctor this week she said that it might be a pneumonitis that resulted from radiation--a CT scan would show it definitively but I am going to wait til the end of April for the scan, I don't want to do one now and one again the end of April. The treatment would be steroids (YUCK), so in the meantime mucinex has worked great and I will stay on that. What's a little cough anyway? It could be much worse....and I am so thankful that my side effects have been minimal. In fact, I still have my hair (albeit VERY short) and eyebrows and eyelashes! The doctor said it will all fall out but so far so good and I am enjoying using mascara while I can! My two synthetic wigs have seen better days---in fact, I am on the verge of ordering some new ones. 2 weeks ago we served at the high school winter camp one morning helping with breakfast in an industrial kitchen and the heat from the warming ovens and dishwasher helped to fry my "good" wig! I knew it was bad when my Ben said "Mom, is that your good wig?"--followed by "I think you need a new one!" HA! I read somewhere that they last about 8 months and it has been a year so I guess its time for a new one! I have found some online but am a little chicken about ordering something I haven't tried on....so I'm not sure if I'll get the same ones I have now or be daring and try something new!

In other news, JR had the opportunity to apply for a change in floors at his hospital which also meant a change in his days off. Instead of being off Tues/Wed he will be off Wed/Thurs. The floor is still for the criminally insane but there are less patients and much less stress. He was approved for the transition and started the new floor last week. He is shocked at how laid back it is and thankful for the change although he misses his co-workers on the other unit. I am just so thankful that it is less acuity and less stress. And, his change in days off means that he will be off EVERY Thanksgiving. It also means that during the winter months he and the kids would be able to go skiing on Thursdays since there are more resorts open...so that might have been an ulterior motive :-)

Well, Spring also means that camping season is on the horizon and JR already has some trips planned. In fact, this week we will head to Faragut, Idaho for a few days to do a trial run with the trailer before a big trip the end of April. The week after my scan we are heading to the Oregon Coast for 8 days or so. And in September, JR has planned a trip to Yellowstone for a week. Through the graciousness of many, unbeknownst to us, a fund was set up for our trips. The kids are so excited to be able to do some things...like ATV'ing and horseback riding on the beach and dining at a nice restaurant...all things we don't normally do when camping, to establish some great memories and have some great family time. We were overcome with thankful hearts at the generosity of people who had already done so much for us and continue to bless us with kindness. JR has been working overtime, not only to provide for our family, but to do these "extras" and the fund allows him to be home more which is a great gift in itself. I am in the midst of writing thank you notes to the donors whose names we were given but we also know there were cash donations and collections taken whose names we don't know but whom we wish to thank---so THANK YOU! We know that you will be blessed beyond measure for the kindness you have extended to me and my family.

Please continue to pray that the chemo would be effective and that the scan will show the cancer is GONE! Pray for strength as we continue to live each day to the fullest to the glory of God.

Happy Spring!

Happy Birthday Honey

Today is my honey's 43rd birthday (but shhhhhh don't tell him I told you his age!). I just wanted to take a minute to share how thankful I am for him and the love and life we share. We met in 1991 at Grace Community church in the Working Disciples group. He was in seminary at the time and helped lead worship by playing guitar for our group. I was too busy with nursing school to notice much but I do know one of my close girlfriends thought he was cute! He remembers spotting me way before I remember noticing him (in fact, after we were married, he remembered seeing me when I had glasses--he was stuck by my blue eyes)! When one of my friends and I graduated from nursing school, the group had a little party for us. As we were all eating cake, I was chatting with one of the leaders of the group. The next thing I know RC was standing there listening to our conversation but he couldn't join in because he was stuffing his face with cake! YUCK! He will defend himself, however, by sharing that he was a starving seminary student and cake was a treat in those days!

The first time we actually really talked was after a Sunday night service on Father's Day. My mom saw him walking outside the church prior to the service and told me to invite him to sit with us.....she knew all my friends and probably had a "mother's intuition" about something to which I was clueless! After the service we chatted for a bit and our hearts meshed. Not sure if anyone else has a story like that.....where your heart meshed with someone, totally out of the blue, but with Divine intervention. We were married by Christmas......yes, met and married within 6months. Now we don't advocate that in every situation but there were extenuating circumstances that threw us together quite quickly. I have mentioned before that I was raised in an abusive home and through a series of circumstances, my brother and I left our parent's home and moved in with my Grandma. It was a difficult time in our lives and RC was there for both my brother and myself through the whole thing. RC has said that he never truly saw me happy til after we were married. I was shocked that someone would want to marry someone with such an Oprah-show life! He did later admit that I fulfilled all the requirements on his list of "what I want in a wife" except my family. But for "better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part" we took the plunge into marriage.

So here we are in the "sickness" part and I was thinking the other day how neither of us ever imagined that cancer would be a part of our journey together. I've shared with you before that my orthopedic problems and multiple hip/knee surgeries were enough for me and I thought it was just one physical ailment per person....but I guess it doesn't work that way! In our bedroom I have a collage frame of our wedding pictures and I look at them many times a day. I have changed quite a bit and am almost unrecognizable from those wedding photos. In fact, one day when my kids were little they were looking at the pictures and asked "who's that in the picture with Dad?" UGH! Well, let's now add cancer to the list--and loss of hair, loss of chest, weight gain.....YIKES! It's like a totally different person. But he still loves me! How can that be? Oh ya, I have a cute wig that looks quite real, and foobs (no, that's not a typo....fake boobs=foobs) and can be presentable when all of those things are in place. But day to day, around the house, I don't wear those things.....its just plain old me. And RC continues to look at me no differently than when I was "whole". Sure, he wishes those things were still there (heck, so do I) but love goes beyond the externals, doesn't it? It should! And he loves me for who I am....in "sickness and in health." And for that I am so grateful....it goes beyond words!

How can anyone ever prepare for that "sickness" clause in our marriage vows? How can anyone be "taught" how to love someone else even in the most difficult of circumstances? I was thinking about my boys and all they are seeing by their dad's example. And I can only pray that they grow up to be the men that God would have them to be as they follow their Dad's example of true love, honor and devotion no matter what life brings.

So to my honey, on his birthday (remember he's 43!), I want to say how much I love you.... how much I adore you..... and how much I love being your wife!